An honest outpour of the heart

Moments ago, a friend's words broke me. My contained emotions over the past few weeks finally flowed out freely. After that, for the first time in quite a while, I was able to release everything at God's feet.

Funny how it is that the most intimate time I spend with God comes in the wee hours of the morning. Funny how it is also away from people. Funny how it means I abandon every single thing just to kneel at His feet and cry my heart out. Time and sleep and work become just words.

I serve a God whom I can't see. Whom I can't feel at times. Who is love yet holy. Who is forgiving yet just. A God many can't accept because it is a relationship based on faith. A truth that far exceeds our understanding. A concept many find hard to grasp.

A God I know because I've experienced Him. So it is with you, isn't it? We know because our eyes and hearts have been opened.

I love God. He means more to me than anything in this world. It has come to that stage where I know I just can't live without Him. Or perhaps I knew that long time ago; I was just not willing to stand up for who I've become.

I love Him. Yet this love seems so trivial to the temptation of sinning at a given moment. How can this be if I say He means more to me than anything? How can this love I have be overshadowed by my flesh and the devil and the world?

Why am I not more than who I can be in Christ? There's still so much darkness in me that needs to come into the light. And when I look around me; sometimes all I see is brokenness. Tears unseen, cries of desperation, ugly thoughts, empty hearts, heart wrenching emotions.

Sometimes, I wonder what it is with us and this world that God loves so much. I wonder what it is in me that He noticed. How can He forgive me knowing that I will hurt Him again?

Yet, when I close my eyes now, a deep sense of peace engulfs my soul. Yet, when I sit at the wooden bridge in the breeze taking in the glorious sight of nature, I just know. God's love is real.

Despite all the questions, despite all the knowledge I do not possess, despite the things I don't understand and may never will, despite not being the most talented and successful, I've come to recognise that I matter in His eyes.

I am His work in progress. A canvas half completed. Clay being moulded.

And most importantly, that nothing compares to having Him close to me. For me now, the reason I am a Christian is really as simple as the words below:

You gave me hope You made me whole at the cross
You took my place You showed me grace
at the cross where You died for me

Chorus:

and His glory appears like the light from the sun
age to age He shines
oh look to the skies hear the angels cry
singing holy is the Lord...





It's all about Him.

Always have been and always should be.

g3