Journey Back HOME

I would like to share with you all something which i shared with pia and cindy last friday night. For the past few days before last friday, I have been erm...well, i told cindy i had no feelings. Maybe not that true when i said that, or partly true too. I actually felt anger rising inside me. I have been asking and praying that God will prepare my heart to go home. It's 18days and it's not too long but anything can happen. I'm quite an impulsive person, so i'm quite certain i will get angry and say something bad if some stuff occur. That's why i asked God to prepare me. Those few days, i have been crying and asking God. I know the emotions i had wasn't from God, that is for sure. Sometimes i think self pity comes into play and i know that self pity is definitely not from God.

Thursday night i was msning with cindy and then i knew something is not right, that's not me. I knew my heart was wrong. I was supposed to do word on friday and i actually really looked forward to sharing word but i knew my heart was totally wrong! wrong until i duno how to explain. I was, i would say VERY VERY LOST. I didn't know what to do and i just felt like not talking to anybody at all (which is weird for a person like me who loves to talk). I just wanted to be alone and the thought of not going to cell came up too. I LOVE CELL!!! i would never want to miss a cell, but that thurs night and fri morning cum afternoon, i just felt like not going to cell. I even came up with ideas of skipping cell, maybe ask wilson put me at millpoint and then he can pick me up after cell. Or i just go abacus and wait till cell is over, then come home. My gosh! i can't believe those ideas came up in my mind. tsk tsk tsk.

Then i talked to jaclyn, she was on msn fri afternoon. I told jac i don't want to let the others see me in a bad mood, somemore i knew canning kids were coming. I don't want to let them see a depressing trecia, but neither do i want to pretend to smile and laugh and make ppl laugh. It's fake! Anyways, when talking to jac, my attitude was bad too and i just didn't accept anyone's advice or speech. Really! i was superrr pekchek! jac was very nice, she gave good advices and told me i could always be myself but it just wasn't the time to go into my brain. So i decided, that i'll go cycling before cell. In my mind, i was thinking while i'm cycling, i can decide if i want to go cell or not. If i want, i will just cycle back home; if not, i will just cycle to somewhere where there is nobody and just be by myself. So at 7pm, i took my bike and handphone with headsets and went on my JOURNEY! trust me! i took the long road purposely! and i also msged wilson and asked him to start without me. But then 3songs ministered to me during my JOURNEY BACK HOME and the lyrics sang my heart out! i will cut and paste by sequence the 3songs i heard while cycling home (read the lyrics if possible):

SAVIOR, PLEASE by Josh Wilson
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

THE LOST GET FOUND by Britt Nicole
Hello my friend
I remember when you were
So alive with your wide eyes to the light
Then the light that you had when your heart was stolen
Now you say that it ain’t worth stayin’
You wanna run but your hesitatin’
I’m talkin’ to me

Don’t let the lights go down
Don’t let the fire burn out
Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe
Why don’t you rise up now?
Don’t be afraid to stand out
That’s how the lost get found
The lost get found

So when you get the chance (get the chance)
Are you gonna take it (take it)
There’s a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There’s a girl on the streets, she’s cryin’
There’s a man who faith is dying
Love is calling you

Why do we go with the flow?
Why take the easier road?
Why are we playin’ it safe?
Love came to show us the way
Love is a chance we should take
I’m movin’ out of the way

So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it
There’s a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it

THE MOTIONS by Matt West
This might hurt
It’s not safe
But I know that I’ve gotta make a change
I don’t care
If I break
At least I’ll be feeling something
‘Cause just ok
Is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don’t wanna go through the motions
I don’t wanna go one more day
Without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don’t wanna spend my whole life asking
What if I had given everything?
Instead of going through the motions

No regrets
Not this time
I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love
Make me whole
I think I’m finally feeling something

Take me all the way
Take me all the way
Take me all the way

My gosh! The lyrics in the songs spoke soooo vividly into my heart! I cried while cycling. SAVIOR, PLEASE sang my heart out! it couldn't be more accurate, the lyrics. Those were my thoughts! THE LOST GET FOUND ministered to me. It says Don’t let the lights go down, Don’t let the fire burn out, Cause somewhere, somebody needs a reason to believe, Why don’t you rise up now? I was convicted to the MAX! In my mind, i was thinking what am i doing cycling around curtin when i was supposed to be at cell. Somebody in cell might need a reason to believe but what am i doing?! THE MOTIONS healed my heart. It says No regrets, Not this time, I’m gonna let my heart defeat my mind, Let Your love, Make me whole, I think I’m finally feeling something. Well, the whole lyrics of this song spoke to me! I'm finally feeling something! Broken! I cycled back to CELL. I was healed on the way back. God spoke to me. And also along the way home, these verses came to my mind.

Matthew 6:25-27 ²⁵"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Matthew 6:33-34 ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I guessed along the way of asking God to prepare my heart to go home, i didn't realised i started to WORRY!=) Friday's word spoke to me! God is faithful! I do not need to worry what will happen when i go home! I don't even need to think about it coz God is faithful in loving me!=) And i was able to give my 101% in cell that night! Cheahyen asked me to share about how God is real to me. I replied: "sori, i can't." That was a few hours before cell. But when cheah was sharing, i felt convicted to share so i shared. After i shared, the canning kid who came asked if she could share her story too and she broke down and cried while we were singing a song after word. I was able to pray for her. And i really really really honestly ENJOYED cell! He helped me ENJOY! I LOVE CELL!!!=) thats my sharing. I know it's very long. Thanks for reading=) i guess i will never be ready to go back JB but God is faithful enough and He will always guide me back HOME~

G2
the one smiling again