A confession

I have a confession. I have a weakness that God has rebuked time after time. My weakness is that I find myself looking for my confidence and self-worth in others/worldly things instead of God. I find myself thriving on praises and compliments and successes.

Maybe that's the reason why I think the world of achievements, be it through grades, wealth, titles or accomplishments in life. I respect people who are high achievers in their respected areas, people who are driven, people who are doing great things which are making a difference.

Maybe that's why my reality cannot match my expectations. Call it reading too many novels, or having high-achieving friends, or not being contented/coveting others' talents/lives/achievements or whatever you want but it is sadly a very real struggle. For example, when my academic reality doesn't match my expectations, my coping mechanism is to shut down. I stop doing my best so I can comfort myself by telling myself that it's not because I'm not able, it's because I've not done enough/my best. What a lie I've been living...I've been living on my pride/ego.

Success comes to those who work hard with what they have; not those who dream about things they don't have, yet do nothing with what they have.

For example, in the academic side of things, I dreamt about being valedictorian since young because of characters I've read in novels. It's a good dream but in reality, I'm neither smart nor hardworking enough. So, because I know that it is not achievable, I make excuses to not study/do my assignments to the best of my ability so it does not justify my real ability. In other words, I like to lie myself. I don't want to face reality, preferring to live in this twisted mind of mine. I fear doing my best and yet find that it is not enough.

Lies+unrealistic dreams/goals+laziness+pride= a vicious cycle of self condemnation+guilt trap

An example of self condemnation is this:
I always feel that I disappoint my parents because I'm not achieving much academically. I like to live in the past where I was one of the higher ranking students in school. I like to dream of making my parents proud through awards etc. I always wonder why I'm not doing as well, yet not make any efforts. I condemn myself, I shut down when I don't get the grades I desire. This leads to even poorer results. Then, I would feel ashamed. I feel I've let my parents down. I feel guilty, feel I'm a failure that my parents have sacrified so much yet I've given them nothing in return. (the vicious cycle)

The above is only an example out of the many. There are plenty of these cycles in different aspects of my life that has eaten my self worth and confidence. The cycles make me think and feel less of myself. I thank God less, and forget/ignore His words. Truths such as 'I am made in the image of God' and 'Everything comes from God' are forgotten. I make myself the centre of attention instead of God. :(

The cycles extend to following God. In this aspect, the same applies. When I fall, I feel I've disappointed God. I shut down; I walk further away because I'm embarassed to face God. It's only when God intervenes that I return to Him after much suffering and pain.

I thank God for waking me up, for helping me figure out whats is wrong: the sins I'm committing, the cycle I'm stuck in, helping me understand the need to get out of this cycle. I can't be ignorant anymore. I don't want to live with these circles my whole life.

Today, I received an sms from my mom. She said this:
'It's not always about how popular you are, how many marks you get, or how active you are in school/uni. It's about the person you are, deep down inside that radiates out the things you do that touches people....the real genuine you.'

My mom hit the bulls eye; those are the qualities I've always desired and still do. Yet, she told me that I've got it all wrong. Her love is not based on my achievements. What my mom is really proud of is the person I truly am inside.

I teared because that was what I needed to hear. Love is not based on achievements. Love is not earned through works. Our parents love us for who we are. Our parents love us simply because we are their children.

It is even more true of God. We can never earn His love. Nothing we can ever do can make Him love us even more/less. He already loves us for who we are to the most of His ability. He loves us because we are His. This love is unconditional, everlasting, uncontainable, incomparable. No sin can seperate us from God! NOTHING can seperate us from the love of God!

But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

If you're like me, stuck in the cycle, know that God is in control. Hang onto His promises! Remind yourself everyday by reading God's words. Ask from God to show you how to overcome things in your life. Thank Him for His providance, grace, and glory. Trust that God will bring you through regardless of the circumstances you're in!

Don't be afraid of failures or mistakes or sin, bring them to God. He is not ashamed of you, you do not disappoint Him! You have not failed God or anyone else. Don't feel the need to be perfect; He alone perfects us as He purifies our faith!

It's time to rise up, to walk out of the cycle. It's time to be all we are in Christ....confident because of Him in us, contented in every circumstance, and living life to the fullest!

g3