It started last night on my knees calling out to God, asking Him to break open my hardened heart. You see, I felt something was missing...that sense of closeness with Him that allows me to feel His heart and hear Him speak. I am with Him, but I have wandered away from resting in Him.
This morning, I dreamt about my sister. In my dream, she was a different person; one whose heart has been closed to me. I felt her bitterness, her cold demeanour, and her disappointment. In my dream, I wasn't crying but somehow, I could feel tears running down my cheeks even as I dreamt. I was crying in reality.
And today, the floodgates burst open. I experienced bouts after bouts of tears. I went on my knees, humbled and broken before God. I asked Him to rearrange me. Now, I am able to pour out my heart to God; my heart is soft.
And as I looked out at the glorious sky, a habit that I've loved since young, my heart asked the same question: Is this all I am?
I reflected on myself. I am one present to most people but absent to the people I love most. I am one who has faith for the big obstacles, yet trips over the smallest sin when it matters the most. I am one whose mind is consumed with thoughts about God but whose actions speak not. I am one of the Jews who came out of Egypt, having seen God's great miracles in my life, yet make the choice to sin against Him.
I am ashamed that I call myself a Christian yet neglect demonstrating God's love to my sister, and to my family back home.
I am ashamed that I call myself a Christian yet abandon my hometown friend when he needs me the most to stop my heart from hurting.
I am ashamed that I call myself a Christian yet choose to turn away from the needs I see cos I know that attending to them is a long term process which consumes my time and emotions and energy.
I am ashamed that I call myself a Christian yet shine not in my course even though He has called me too cos I fall at the small hurdles to reach the bigger prize.
Am I created to be mediocre in my life? Is this all I can do for Him? Is this all I can be at this present moment of my life?
And I knew right in my heart the answer that has consumed my thoughts for the past week. No, no, no.
I am not working my way towards His will. The more time I spend postponing doing the things I'm supposed to do, the more I walk away from doing His will. When that happens, the more desperate and lost and confused I become. The less I spend time with Him, the more I choose to be the person I was before- insecure, lonely, bitter, selfish.
Now, I truly understand what Tony Anthony meant by the reason that He is so on fire for God; he neither stops nor slows down on what God has called him to do.
When I stop or slow down, the enemy takes his opportunity to show me worldly things that entices me, to speak words into me that draws me away, to mislead my direction, and to cause me to make ungodly choices.
I want to be on fire for Him, so bright and hot that His love consumes everyone who walks into my life. I want to look at the sky, and answer the same question with conviction that I'm truly where I am meant to be, and doing what I'm meant to do.
I'm sharing this because it is so easy to get caught up in people, and in life. But God never meant for us to do that. That is why He says not to worry, and that His yoke is easy, and burden light.
What He wants is for us to be caught up in Him, that He will be able to work in us, and through us. So that our work is produced by faith, our labour prompted by love, and our endurance inspired by hope in Christ.
There is no later. Today, God is calling you to leave everything aside to come to Him. When you choose to do that, He will heal, renew, restore and set you free.
Are you willing to let Him rearrange you?g3
